Warriors, sometimes during your Cubeland adventures you will be bewildered. You will leave a meeting scratching your head and muttering “WTF?” (Because saying "fuck" too much looks bad and "WTF" is kind of funny in a hip, self-knowing, “I’m on my Balcberry too much” way.)
It won’t be the content of a meeting that causes your confusion, but rather the lack of any content whatsoever, the vacuum in the middle of the room that opens up seconds after you sit down, a vacuum spawned by everyone in the room wondering “Why am I here? What is this meeting really about?”
When this happens, you have experienced The Nothing Meeting. And like all meetings, you must know how to manage it accordingly.
You can tell you are in a Nothing Meeting if your boss starts by saying something like, “I just wanted to check in and see if everything was okay with (Blank).” The blank could be filled with “budget” or “planning” or “forecasting” or “hiring” or “unicorn wrangling” or anything at all, because it doesn't really matter.
The answer to your boss’ question should be, and probably is, “Everything is fine. Can I go now?”
But you can’t say that, because it’s your boss, and even though he has called a nonsensical meeting and is wasting your time, you need to remember your job, your true job – Make your boss glad you work for him.
So explain that everything is fine, then ask a few questions, seeing if you can figure what this meeting is really all about. It could be he was just lonely and felt like having a chat. It could be he heard something that concerned him, but he doesn’t want to tell you about it, so he’s asking generic questions to disguise what information he’s really after.
And sometimes, I swear, he will call a Nothing Meeting just because he can, because it makes him feel relevant, gives him a little buzz of empowerment. Perhaps the thought process is something like… “God, I am totally worthless, irrelevant and completely shit at my job. In fact, I can’t even figure out what my job really is. You know what I’ll do? Call a meeting. That’s a boss thing to do. Let’s get everyone in a room and talk about some stuff.”
So go in the room. Smile. Talk about whatever he wants to talk about.
It’s a Nothing Meeting, but if you increase your boss’s happiness in you working for him by smiling and chatting for an hour about nothing, it’s a Something Meeting.
Showing posts with label corporate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label corporate. Show all posts
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
How To Make People Mad While Trying To Save The World
Warriors, there are times in your career when you’ll asked to be on something called a “strike team.” Sometimes these are called SWAT teams or action teams or “that thing I’m obligated to send someone too, but which I don’t give a shit about, so I’ll send that guy.”
These teams are temporary gatherings of people from around the company brought together to solve a problem or improve a process and, as always, to make PowerPoints. I’m coming to suspect that that is indeed the purpose of all corporate existence, to produce PowerPoint presentations.
The particular strike team I’m on is made up of wonderful people with smart ideas and if the company would listen, it would hear answers.
But it is deaf. Any noise that might cause a change is ignored. Any suggestion that might cause a shift in thinking is politely declined. A whispered hint that we might need an alteration to the way things are done is greeted with gritted teeth and a, "Go fuck yourself.”
But here I am anyway, on the team tasked with making noises, suggestions, and whispers about change.
What to do when you are being paid to flog a dead horse?
Crack that whip. Crack it good.
These teams are temporary gatherings of people from around the company brought together to solve a problem or improve a process and, as always, to make PowerPoints. I’m coming to suspect that that is indeed the purpose of all corporate existence, to produce PowerPoint presentations.
The particular strike team I’m on is made up of wonderful people with smart ideas and if the company would listen, it would hear answers.
But it is deaf. Any noise that might cause a change is ignored. Any suggestion that might cause a shift in thinking is politely declined. A whispered hint that we might need an alteration to the way things are done is greeted with gritted teeth and a, "Go fuck yourself.”
But here I am anyway, on the team tasked with making noises, suggestions, and whispers about change.
What to do when you are being paid to flog a dead horse?
Crack that whip. Crack it good.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
We Are Not Mining Coal – Example #1
Warriors, even as we sometimes vent the steam from our spleens, when we struggle against the soul-rending frustration of corporate life, when we piss and moan and weep and gnash teeth about our lost years wasted in Cubeland, it is essential that we occasionally step back and acknowledge the we indeed are not mining coal. We are not picking lettuce. We are not digging ditches. We are not Hoovering port-a-potties or swimming through sewers prying loose blockages.
We are of the White Collar tribe. We go home as clean as when we left.
And sometimes, this life can bring moments of sublime pleasure.
One example is this…The Expense Account Dinner, a meal in a nice restaurant that costs about five times what you’d normally pay for a dinner out of your own pocket. Thank you Expense Account Gods, we appreciate the premium steak, the top notch Indian food, the Sushi that was still swimming about five minutes ago.
Even better, give thanks for the dinners spent with extravagant senior executives who like to live well, who are rich and like to eat even richer when the company is picking up the tab. I had no idea what a hundred-dollar bottle of wine tasted like until my first senior executive dinner.
True, I didn’t taste every dollar of that one hundred. But that didn’t stop me from saying, “Ooo, that really is good.”
Thank you, Expense Account Gods, for the bounty you’ve put before us on white table clothes, eaten with real silver, and served by attractive waitress who are also part time models.
We are of the White Collar tribe. We go home as clean as when we left.
And sometimes, this life can bring moments of sublime pleasure.
One example is this…The Expense Account Dinner, a meal in a nice restaurant that costs about five times what you’d normally pay for a dinner out of your own pocket. Thank you Expense Account Gods, we appreciate the premium steak, the top notch Indian food, the Sushi that was still swimming about five minutes ago.
Even better, give thanks for the dinners spent with extravagant senior executives who like to live well, who are rich and like to eat even richer when the company is picking up the tab. I had no idea what a hundred-dollar bottle of wine tasted like until my first senior executive dinner.
True, I didn’t taste every dollar of that one hundred. But that didn’t stop me from saying, “Ooo, that really is good.”
Thank you, Expense Account Gods, for the bounty you’ve put before us on white table clothes, eaten with real silver, and served by attractive waitress who are also part time models.
Friday, April 09, 2010
CEO Presentation Day
A momentous day. The big CEO presentation day, the showdown, the Thrilla in PowerPoint, the Demo for The Ages, the time to fish or cut bait, shit or get off the pot, get him to sign on the line which is dotted, close the motherfucking deal, make the bastard believe, make him buy what you are selling, make him buy you, who you are, why you are, why you are valuable to the company, to humanity, to him personally. Make him know why you should continue to take up cube space, a parking space, have lunch at the subsidized employee café, breathe company air, why your name shouldn’t be on the next layoff list.
Look at my shit. Buy my shit. You cocksucker. I’m going to make you money. I’m going to help you keep your job, your ugly yellow Lamborghini, your trophy wife who seems as dumb as bag of hammers. You putz. You empty suit. You waste of a good head of hair. Go fuck yourself.
And support my product. Give me lots of money to make it. And a big marketing budget would be nice.
Thank you.
Look at my shit. Buy my shit. You cocksucker. I’m going to make you money. I’m going to help you keep your job, your ugly yellow Lamborghini, your trophy wife who seems as dumb as bag of hammers. You putz. You empty suit. You waste of a good head of hair. Go fuck yourself.
And support my product. Give me lots of money to make it. And a big marketing budget would be nice.
Thank you.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Chapter Three, Part Two -- Make The List
(Note: This is Chapter Three, Part Two of my book, White Collar Warrior(tm). You can read the chapters that came before this one by clicking on the links to the right. If you are interested in representing or publishing my book, please let me know at whitecollarwarrior@hotmail.com. Thanks!)
Now, let’s break down The List in greater detail…
NAME
Besides plain old first name and last name, you’ll also want to take note of nicknames. If a guy is known as “Skipper” to his friends, start calling him Skipper as soon as you can. You want to be familiar, friendly and unthreatening to your co-workers, especially the ones you want to ruin. Also, if you can call this guy Skipper in front of executives or during a high-profile meeting, that’s a good thing. There aren’t many vice-president Skippers for a reason.
Now, speaking of names, with The List, you’ll also want to keep track of a target’s email addresses (professional and private), chat program names, and user names for the company website and email programs.
Also, on a separate sheet that you keep secured somewhere, keep track of your target’s passwords. I’m not saying spy or use electronic trickery to get someone’s passwords. I’m just saying if you happen to be in someone’s cube and you happen to watch him open his email program, and you just happen to notice that he types in “Fluffy123” for his password, then that might be a piece of useful information one day. For instance, you might have legitimate need to read his email after he’s left for the evening. It could happen. That’s all I’m saying.
Here’s a fun thing to do with names…Put them into an internet search engine like Google, Yahoo, MSN, or Dogpile. Search not just for website mentions, but also for photos and newsgroup postings. You never know what you’ll find. Could be nothing. Could be your rival occasionally wears a prom dress complete with a tiara and can’t resist posting the pictures on www.dudesinpromdresses.com.
I’m assuming if that’s the case you’ll know what to put in your action plan. Clue: it involves a mass emailing from an anonymous account.
RANK
Out of a choice of five: Employee, Peer, Direct Superior, Superior’s Superior, Big Cheese
Employee
This is someone who happens to work for you, your minion, a person you can boss around, a person whose miserable life you hold in the palm of your hand, someone you can crush.
Don’t get cocky about it. No one, and I mean no one, can ruin your faster than someone who works for you. You need to know your people inside and out. You need to know how to make them make you look good, and you need to know how to eliminate them when they stop doing that.
If you feel one of them digging their heels into your back, trying to climb over you on the corporate ladder, you need to know how best to kill them. Not literally. Unless of course they pull a knife or a gun on you. Then you can do what you need to do and it’s all perfectly legal. Just something to keep in mind.
Peer
Peer means someone who has the same job title as you, the same pay grade as you, the same skill set and almost always the same boss. There are some exceptions to this. For instance, if someone with your job title happens to have a different boss or works in a different department, that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want his job, his boss, or his potential promotion. If you work in a big company, keep an eye on peers in every department. If opportunity is lacking where you happen to be, don’t rule out making a lateral move, especially if you spot a weak peer ready to be cut down quickly. Keep your eyes open.
Obviously, peers are your most direct competition. They are the first people you’ll need to eliminate when necessary. You should consider them mortal enemies first and friends only if the need arises. Someone has to take your boss’ job when he leaves. It will be you or one of your peers. Who is it going to be?
Now, what you really don’t want is your peers knowing what you have in mind for them. You want the fight to be unfair, tilted so far in your direction that your enemy doesn’t have a hope in Hell. And more than that, you don’t want your enemy to know he is even in a fight. You want him to trust you, to ask for your help, to solicit your advice. And if your peer asks you to share the workload on a project or two, you say yes and roll up your sleeves. Just make sure your name is in the credits of any documents created, and make sure you give some, or all, of the presentation when the project is complete. You feel me?
Think of your peers as the people you happen to be sharing a cabin with on the Titanic. You all overslept and didn’t even hear the iceberg hit. Now the cabin is filling with ice water. The boat itself is pretty much underwater now. There is only time for one of you to get through the cabin door. Everyone else in the room will die an icy death. One of you will get to escape to the top deck and fight to get in a life boar. You might even get a front row viewing of Leonardo DiCaprio turning blue and freezing to death because Kate Winslett won’t scootch over a little on her piece of wood. Look at that thing. There’s plenty of room.
Why would you want to miss that? Do you really want to be one of the ones left in the cabin wondering what that really loud noise was?
Direct Superior
This is your boss.
A long time ago, a grumpy preacher from a red state gave a sermon about how people are sinners in the hands of an angry God, and at any second, God could dip them in a pit fire, roasting them alive, and then pull them out again, heal them, make them feel better, give them ice cream and a hand job, then dump them back into the fire just for the fun of it, laughing while their skin crackles to a golden brown.
Think of your boss as that crazy, power drunk God. Benevolent and kind one second, cruel and sadistic the next, your boss can you make you miserable like no one other than your spouse.
Make sure you add you boss to The List. His page is going to get a lot of attention.
Superior’s Superior
This is your boss’ boss. Your boss hates him (or, poor soul, her). He might act like he doesn’t but he does. Your boss wants nothing more in this world but for his superior to go away and let him feel like he actually has some power.
You see, as a middle manager, you get to sip from the cup of power. You get to boss people around. It’s a rush, and the more employees you have, the bigger rush it is. You can make a direct report feel like a million dollars with a few kind words, or you can crush his spirit with one snide remark. It’s like being a god. A really small god with no cool powers but one, you have the power to make your underlings taste heaven or hell, depending on your mood.
And what does a god resent more than anything else? A bigger, tougher more powerful god. All by himself, he feels pretty divine. But when a higher god walks in the room, his divinity looks pale and weak in comparison. That bigger god can even undo all his work, tell his employees to do something completely different, send them off on errands that have nothing to do with their original commands. And then, after that humiliation, his boss can then tell him exactly what to do and how to do it, reminding him of how powerless and pathetic he truly is.
That’s why a little power is a curse. You get a taste for how good it feels, and afterward, all you can think about is how you don’t have nearly enough. A heroin addiction is tougher to kick than a hunger for power.
So, that’s why your boss hates his boss. However, do you know how you feel about your boss’s boss? You love him! (Or, if you’re lucky, her!)
Think of your boss’ boss as a kind of grandparent. Grandparents always love to spoil the grandkids. They love saying things like: “Let’s take off early and grab a steak on the expense account” or “I bet you’d love to get a new computer next quarter” or “How would you like to come with us on the next trip to Fort Lauderdale? We could use a hand during the next executive retreat.”
For some reason, I’ve always found my boss’ boss to be one of the most delightful and generous people on the planet. He’s overly benevolent to his employee’s employees because it gives him a double buzz: 1. He gives joy to someone who probably has little. 2. Giving that joy gives great pain to someone else, your boss, who is busy screaming profanities into a pillow as you walk to the bar across the street with his superior. Your boss’s boss is having all the fun of being Satan combined with all the power of being a god.
Another thing you need to think about: You want one day for your superior’s superior to be your superior. Your boss needs to go, and one day he will, and you want to replace him. To do that, you need to be ready to step right in. You need to make sure it’s inconceivable that anyone else could do the job. And the person you need to think that is your boss’ boss.
And that’s why he’s on The List. Not because you want to destroy him, but because you want to know what he likes and dislikes so you can embody everything he favors and reject everything he doesn’t. You want to be the grandson he wishes he had (not the snotty, pot smoking, money-grubbing troublemaker he has to bail out of jail once a year). If he likes paisley ties, find yourself some ameba-covered silk. If he likes to talk football, you are now a fan of his teams, and you are going to spend a few hours every week studying them to the point you know where the quarterback went to high school and who he lost his virginity to. If he’s gay, you’re not going to turn away when he puts his hand on your knee. Of course, you’re not going to do anything you don’t want to. But you’re not going to make him feel bad. Christ, it’s just a friendly hand on a knee. You big baby.
A Big Cheese
These are the true gods of the corporate world. These are the guys who can fire you without even meeting you. If they don’t care for your division anymore, bam, you’re gone with one email.
These are the guys that before they arrive on your floor, someone calls ahead so you can prepare. “Hey! The big cheese is on his way. Get ready.” And at that point, there is a flurry of tidying up and men in $3,000 business suits are suddenly wielding brooms and dust rags. Such is the power of a Big Cheese.
I especially appreciate all the fake work that happens once the big cheese finally arrives and the air becomes filled with keyboard clacking and inside every cube is a person trying to desperately look to importantly busy. The braver souls actually take part in fake phone calls, haggling down prices, chewing out vendors and taking imaginary orders. Only a truly important person can cause this much spontaneous dishonesty.
So why is the Big Cheese on The List? Isn’t he so far above your head that it’s not even worth thinking about him? Of course not, idiot.
The guy has the power to do whatever the hell he wants, including promoting you to King Jr., if he wishes. Sure, it’s a long shot, but it has happened before. If the Big Cheese presents a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and you need to be ready. If you put him on The List, you’ll be just that.
The problem with the Big Cheese is that you aren’t going to know much about him unless he’s one of those CEOs who insist on writing books about himself. If that’s the case, then read his book and make your life easier.
What you want to do is talk to old timers who have been around the company for a few years, the folks who have stories to tell and will tell them all for the price of a steak and a Jack on the rocks. That might be your boss, or it might be your boss’ boss, or it might be a co-worker. Either way, there are people around who know the king.
Also, feel free to search the internet as well. Big Cheese’s leave all kinds of footprints, where they were hired, where they were fired, what house’s they’ve bought, and who they’ve married. Big Cheese’s are addicted to PR, and thanks to the Internet, PR is permanent.
Look, if you Google yourself and get a few hits (the pictures of your dog on your Facebook page, your listing on your high school alumni page, a guy with your name who is doubtless more successful and better looking than you), then there will be plenty of articles about any Big Cheese worthy of the title.
In fact, I just Googled five CEOs from 5 company not even in the Fortune 500, and got plenty on each one to fill up The List. There are Q&As covering everything from their visions for the future to what schools their kids go to their pets’ names. I have almost enough info on these guys to steal their identities (too bad there are no Social Security numbers in any of these listings) or pretend to be the son of a long lost high school buddy long enough to scam a free night in the guest bedroom and maybe a loan.
One quick note about Big Cheese’s: They are almost always smart and ruthless, which should be obvious, but can also be bat shit insane, which might be surprise to you, as one might expect sanity to be basic requirement for holding that much responsibility. All that money does something to their grasp of reality. Howard Hughes is an easy example, a guy who didn’t cut his hair or finger nails for the last 20 years of his life, and who bought a TV station so he could make it play the movies he wanted to see. (They didn’t have DVDs or VCRs back then.)
But he’s far from alone in the Big Cheese Funny Farm. I know of one CEO who eats nothing but white toast and drinks nothing but whole milk. Other than that, nicest guy in the world. Another Big Cheese I know of will fire you if you don’t argue with him. Doesn’t matter what about. He just likes to argue. He likes conflict, be it over football teams, Stephen Spielberg’s best movie or whether OJ did it or not. Not arguing with him is your ticket to the unemployment line.
Another Big Cheese, this one from the entertainment industry (which does seem to spawn insanity in executives more than any other), would tell specific chosen employees how to dress, everything from suit colors and cuts, to ties, to shirts (French cuffs with elegant cufflinks), to shoes (nothing Italian and light, he liked bulky English heels, laces, and wing tips). And yes, even underwear (boxers, Egyptian cotton or silk). The employees he graced with wardrobe advice were always the ones who ended up being promoted and doing well in the company. If he never bothered to teach you how to tie a Windsor knot, then you might as well have started sending out your resumes.
So, when you add a Big Cheese to The List, make special note of his eccentricities. Be ready to have your cube stocked with white bread, a toaster and a fridge full of milk. Know what to argue about and what to chat amiably about. If a Big Cheese favors those horrid, multi-colored, $300 sweaters that look knitted by Stevie Wonder, then by all means, have one ready to slip into should a BC visit be ready to happen.
And for the love of all that’s holy, if you start fake typing to make yourself look busy during a BC visit, actually type something that looks like work. You don’t want the exec to walk by your cube and see you intensely typing out: “aa;vubrev;iqebeqibwrv;uwvb;bw.”
(To be continued in Chapter Three, Part Three)
Now, let’s break down The List in greater detail…
NAME
Besides plain old first name and last name, you’ll also want to take note of nicknames. If a guy is known as “Skipper” to his friends, start calling him Skipper as soon as you can. You want to be familiar, friendly and unthreatening to your co-workers, especially the ones you want to ruin. Also, if you can call this guy Skipper in front of executives or during a high-profile meeting, that’s a good thing. There aren’t many vice-president Skippers for a reason.
Now, speaking of names, with The List, you’ll also want to keep track of a target’s email addresses (professional and private), chat program names, and user names for the company website and email programs.
Also, on a separate sheet that you keep secured somewhere, keep track of your target’s passwords. I’m not saying spy or use electronic trickery to get someone’s passwords. I’m just saying if you happen to be in someone’s cube and you happen to watch him open his email program, and you just happen to notice that he types in “Fluffy123” for his password, then that might be a piece of useful information one day. For instance, you might have legitimate need to read his email after he’s left for the evening. It could happen. That’s all I’m saying.
Here’s a fun thing to do with names…Put them into an internet search engine like Google, Yahoo, MSN, or Dogpile. Search not just for website mentions, but also for photos and newsgroup postings. You never know what you’ll find. Could be nothing. Could be your rival occasionally wears a prom dress complete with a tiara and can’t resist posting the pictures on www.dudesinpromdresses.com.
I’m assuming if that’s the case you’ll know what to put in your action plan. Clue: it involves a mass emailing from an anonymous account.
RANK
Out of a choice of five: Employee, Peer, Direct Superior, Superior’s Superior, Big Cheese
Employee
This is someone who happens to work for you, your minion, a person you can boss around, a person whose miserable life you hold in the palm of your hand, someone you can crush.
Don’t get cocky about it. No one, and I mean no one, can ruin your faster than someone who works for you. You need to know your people inside and out. You need to know how to make them make you look good, and you need to know how to eliminate them when they stop doing that.
If you feel one of them digging their heels into your back, trying to climb over you on the corporate ladder, you need to know how best to kill them. Not literally. Unless of course they pull a knife or a gun on you. Then you can do what you need to do and it’s all perfectly legal. Just something to keep in mind.
Peer
Peer means someone who has the same job title as you, the same pay grade as you, the same skill set and almost always the same boss. There are some exceptions to this. For instance, if someone with your job title happens to have a different boss or works in a different department, that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want his job, his boss, or his potential promotion. If you work in a big company, keep an eye on peers in every department. If opportunity is lacking where you happen to be, don’t rule out making a lateral move, especially if you spot a weak peer ready to be cut down quickly. Keep your eyes open.
Obviously, peers are your most direct competition. They are the first people you’ll need to eliminate when necessary. You should consider them mortal enemies first and friends only if the need arises. Someone has to take your boss’ job when he leaves. It will be you or one of your peers. Who is it going to be?
Now, what you really don’t want is your peers knowing what you have in mind for them. You want the fight to be unfair, tilted so far in your direction that your enemy doesn’t have a hope in Hell. And more than that, you don’t want your enemy to know he is even in a fight. You want him to trust you, to ask for your help, to solicit your advice. And if your peer asks you to share the workload on a project or two, you say yes and roll up your sleeves. Just make sure your name is in the credits of any documents created, and make sure you give some, or all, of the presentation when the project is complete. You feel me?
Think of your peers as the people you happen to be sharing a cabin with on the Titanic. You all overslept and didn’t even hear the iceberg hit. Now the cabin is filling with ice water. The boat itself is pretty much underwater now. There is only time for one of you to get through the cabin door. Everyone else in the room will die an icy death. One of you will get to escape to the top deck and fight to get in a life boar. You might even get a front row viewing of Leonardo DiCaprio turning blue and freezing to death because Kate Winslett won’t scootch over a little on her piece of wood. Look at that thing. There’s plenty of room.
Why would you want to miss that? Do you really want to be one of the ones left in the cabin wondering what that really loud noise was?
Direct Superior
This is your boss.
A long time ago, a grumpy preacher from a red state gave a sermon about how people are sinners in the hands of an angry God, and at any second, God could dip them in a pit fire, roasting them alive, and then pull them out again, heal them, make them feel better, give them ice cream and a hand job, then dump them back into the fire just for the fun of it, laughing while their skin crackles to a golden brown.
Think of your boss as that crazy, power drunk God. Benevolent and kind one second, cruel and sadistic the next, your boss can you make you miserable like no one other than your spouse.
Make sure you add you boss to The List. His page is going to get a lot of attention.
Superior’s Superior
This is your boss’ boss. Your boss hates him (or, poor soul, her). He might act like he doesn’t but he does. Your boss wants nothing more in this world but for his superior to go away and let him feel like he actually has some power.
You see, as a middle manager, you get to sip from the cup of power. You get to boss people around. It’s a rush, and the more employees you have, the bigger rush it is. You can make a direct report feel like a million dollars with a few kind words, or you can crush his spirit with one snide remark. It’s like being a god. A really small god with no cool powers but one, you have the power to make your underlings taste heaven or hell, depending on your mood.
And what does a god resent more than anything else? A bigger, tougher more powerful god. All by himself, he feels pretty divine. But when a higher god walks in the room, his divinity looks pale and weak in comparison. That bigger god can even undo all his work, tell his employees to do something completely different, send them off on errands that have nothing to do with their original commands. And then, after that humiliation, his boss can then tell him exactly what to do and how to do it, reminding him of how powerless and pathetic he truly is.
That’s why a little power is a curse. You get a taste for how good it feels, and afterward, all you can think about is how you don’t have nearly enough. A heroin addiction is tougher to kick than a hunger for power.
So, that’s why your boss hates his boss. However, do you know how you feel about your boss’s boss? You love him! (Or, if you’re lucky, her!)
Think of your boss’ boss as a kind of grandparent. Grandparents always love to spoil the grandkids. They love saying things like: “Let’s take off early and grab a steak on the expense account” or “I bet you’d love to get a new computer next quarter” or “How would you like to come with us on the next trip to Fort Lauderdale? We could use a hand during the next executive retreat.”
For some reason, I’ve always found my boss’ boss to be one of the most delightful and generous people on the planet. He’s overly benevolent to his employee’s employees because it gives him a double buzz: 1. He gives joy to someone who probably has little. 2. Giving that joy gives great pain to someone else, your boss, who is busy screaming profanities into a pillow as you walk to the bar across the street with his superior. Your boss’s boss is having all the fun of being Satan combined with all the power of being a god.
Another thing you need to think about: You want one day for your superior’s superior to be your superior. Your boss needs to go, and one day he will, and you want to replace him. To do that, you need to be ready to step right in. You need to make sure it’s inconceivable that anyone else could do the job. And the person you need to think that is your boss’ boss.
And that’s why he’s on The List. Not because you want to destroy him, but because you want to know what he likes and dislikes so you can embody everything he favors and reject everything he doesn’t. You want to be the grandson he wishes he had (not the snotty, pot smoking, money-grubbing troublemaker he has to bail out of jail once a year). If he likes paisley ties, find yourself some ameba-covered silk. If he likes to talk football, you are now a fan of his teams, and you are going to spend a few hours every week studying them to the point you know where the quarterback went to high school and who he lost his virginity to. If he’s gay, you’re not going to turn away when he puts his hand on your knee. Of course, you’re not going to do anything you don’t want to. But you’re not going to make him feel bad. Christ, it’s just a friendly hand on a knee. You big baby.
A Big Cheese
These are the true gods of the corporate world. These are the guys who can fire you without even meeting you. If they don’t care for your division anymore, bam, you’re gone with one email.
These are the guys that before they arrive on your floor, someone calls ahead so you can prepare. “Hey! The big cheese is on his way. Get ready.” And at that point, there is a flurry of tidying up and men in $3,000 business suits are suddenly wielding brooms and dust rags. Such is the power of a Big Cheese.
I especially appreciate all the fake work that happens once the big cheese finally arrives and the air becomes filled with keyboard clacking and inside every cube is a person trying to desperately look to importantly busy. The braver souls actually take part in fake phone calls, haggling down prices, chewing out vendors and taking imaginary orders. Only a truly important person can cause this much spontaneous dishonesty.
So why is the Big Cheese on The List? Isn’t he so far above your head that it’s not even worth thinking about him? Of course not, idiot.
The guy has the power to do whatever the hell he wants, including promoting you to King Jr., if he wishes. Sure, it’s a long shot, but it has happened before. If the Big Cheese presents a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and you need to be ready. If you put him on The List, you’ll be just that.
The problem with the Big Cheese is that you aren’t going to know much about him unless he’s one of those CEOs who insist on writing books about himself. If that’s the case, then read his book and make your life easier.
What you want to do is talk to old timers who have been around the company for a few years, the folks who have stories to tell and will tell them all for the price of a steak and a Jack on the rocks. That might be your boss, or it might be your boss’ boss, or it might be a co-worker. Either way, there are people around who know the king.
Also, feel free to search the internet as well. Big Cheese’s leave all kinds of footprints, where they were hired, where they were fired, what house’s they’ve bought, and who they’ve married. Big Cheese’s are addicted to PR, and thanks to the Internet, PR is permanent.
Look, if you Google yourself and get a few hits (the pictures of your dog on your Facebook page, your listing on your high school alumni page, a guy with your name who is doubtless more successful and better looking than you), then there will be plenty of articles about any Big Cheese worthy of the title.
In fact, I just Googled five CEOs from 5 company not even in the Fortune 500, and got plenty on each one to fill up The List. There are Q&As covering everything from their visions for the future to what schools their kids go to their pets’ names. I have almost enough info on these guys to steal their identities (too bad there are no Social Security numbers in any of these listings) or pretend to be the son of a long lost high school buddy long enough to scam a free night in the guest bedroom and maybe a loan.
One quick note about Big Cheese’s: They are almost always smart and ruthless, which should be obvious, but can also be bat shit insane, which might be surprise to you, as one might expect sanity to be basic requirement for holding that much responsibility. All that money does something to their grasp of reality. Howard Hughes is an easy example, a guy who didn’t cut his hair or finger nails for the last 20 years of his life, and who bought a TV station so he could make it play the movies he wanted to see. (They didn’t have DVDs or VCRs back then.)
But he’s far from alone in the Big Cheese Funny Farm. I know of one CEO who eats nothing but white toast and drinks nothing but whole milk. Other than that, nicest guy in the world. Another Big Cheese I know of will fire you if you don’t argue with him. Doesn’t matter what about. He just likes to argue. He likes conflict, be it over football teams, Stephen Spielberg’s best movie or whether OJ did it or not. Not arguing with him is your ticket to the unemployment line.
Another Big Cheese, this one from the entertainment industry (which does seem to spawn insanity in executives more than any other), would tell specific chosen employees how to dress, everything from suit colors and cuts, to ties, to shirts (French cuffs with elegant cufflinks), to shoes (nothing Italian and light, he liked bulky English heels, laces, and wing tips). And yes, even underwear (boxers, Egyptian cotton or silk). The employees he graced with wardrobe advice were always the ones who ended up being promoted and doing well in the company. If he never bothered to teach you how to tie a Windsor knot, then you might as well have started sending out your resumes.
So, when you add a Big Cheese to The List, make special note of his eccentricities. Be ready to have your cube stocked with white bread, a toaster and a fridge full of milk. Know what to argue about and what to chat amiably about. If a Big Cheese favors those horrid, multi-colored, $300 sweaters that look knitted by Stevie Wonder, then by all means, have one ready to slip into should a BC visit be ready to happen.
And for the love of all that’s holy, if you start fake typing to make yourself look busy during a BC visit, actually type something that looks like work. You don’t want the exec to walk by your cube and see you intensely typing out: “aa;vubrev;iqebeqibwrv;uwvb;bw.”
(To be continued in Chapter Three, Part Three)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Processing the process of process
Summary of a meeting I just had (edited to protect the frustrated)…
“So, we are going to recommend a new process.”
“Yes. But we can’t recommend a new process.”
“How’s that again?”
“If we recommend a new process, we’ll imply that the existing process is broken.”
“It is.”
“You can’t just say that. It will make people defensive.”
“So, we are not going to recommend a new process?”
“No.”
“But we need a new process.”
“Yes.”
“How are we going to do that then?”
“We’ll recommend a process to evaluate the current process and then recommend that we implement a new process.”
“Isn’t that what we just did? Isn’t that why we are having this ‘process improvement’ meeting?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Lunch then?”
“Sounds good.”
“So, we are going to recommend a new process.”
“Yes. But we can’t recommend a new process.”
“How’s that again?”
“If we recommend a new process, we’ll imply that the existing process is broken.”
“It is.”
“You can’t just say that. It will make people defensive.”
“So, we are not going to recommend a new process?”
“No.”
“But we need a new process.”
“Yes.”
“How are we going to do that then?”
“We’ll recommend a process to evaluate the current process and then recommend that we implement a new process.”
“Isn’t that what we just did? Isn’t that why we are having this ‘process improvement’ meeting?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Lunch then?”
“Sounds good.”
Saturday, March 20, 2010
CHAPTER 3, PART 1 -- Know Your Enemies, Otherwise Known as Your Co-Workers
(Note: This is Chapter Three, Part One of my book, White Collar Warrior(tm). You can read the chapters that came before this one by clicking on the links to the right. If you are interested in representing or publishing my book, please let me know at whitecollarwarrior@hotmail.com. Thanks!)
JIMMY’S DAY 30
Jimmy has worked for the company a month now, and while still almost completely useless, he is doing something worthwhile, something I advised him to do that will serve him well in the battles to come. He’s created The List.
Some might see it an enemies list, a black list, or a revenge list. It is not any of those things. (However, if your enemies ever find this list, they will give it an evil name and hang it around your neck as they lead you to slaughter. Beware. Next time you are in Hell, ask Richard Nixon about his famed “Enemies List.”)
The List is simply a list of the people you come in contact with each day, people you work with and for, and who work for you. For each person, you simply document a few key facts. It’s quite easy. I’m going to give you a worksheet and everything.
Basically, it comes down to identifying a co-worker’s type, strengths and weakness, along with some other needed info, like birthdate, marital status, sexual preference, hobbies, a list of job territories (the corporate areas they control and that you might want to relieve them of), and a relationship scale, which marks where the subject is on your friend-to-enemy continuum. Also, you need to jot down a brief action plan, detailing what you plan on doing with all this handy information you’re documenting.
Here’s how useful having The List is. Let’s visit Jimmy once again…
In Jimmy’s first week, he exploited Bob’s one big obvious weakness, his leaving work early to be with his grumpy wife. Jimmy was able to benefit from the weakness in a small way by gathering intelligence after hours and creating the impression of putting extra time in.
In the future, Jimmy will be more carefully collecting details about Bob and everyone else around him. Jimmy has added Bob to The List. Here’s what it looks like…
---
Name: Bob Jones
Rank: Peer (Out of five choices: employee, peer, direct superior, superior’s superior, big cheese)
Job Title: Assistant to the assistant account executive.
Type: The Complete Dick (I’m going to give you a list of several possible co-worker types and explain how to identify those types.)
Age: Mid-30s, not sure. (When you can, fill in any missing info as you get it. Small details are more important than you think.)
Time of Hire: 1 year before me. (This is an important detail, as it will give you a good idea how much of a head start you have to overcome.)
Birthdate: Don’t know.
Married? Yes.
Happily? Don’t think so.
Sexual preference? 9 (This is not a simple yes or no question. It is based on a spectrum, 1 being totally flaming gay and 10 being NASCAR-dad straight. Bob got himself a 9 because of the sports car and babe pictures in his cube. But keep in mind that these answers are written in pencil for a reason. Could Bob be over compensating?)
Hobbies: Loves sports cars, and semi-naked women sitting on top of sports cars. Whimpering to his wife.
Job Territories You Want: 1. Working With Dick on Product X Launch Presentation 2. Competitive Research (You have to choose carefully what territory you want. Some job space is worthless and some will add decades to your job security.)
Job Territory You Don’t Want: Tending To Already Launched Products Y and Z (Notice that Jimmy envies projects that haven’t launched yet and is happy to concede previously launched projects.)
Strengths: Knows more about the competition than anyone else, and Dick relies on him for that.
Weaknesses: Always leaving early due to bitchy wife. Also, he’s a dick. (I’d rather Jimmy be more specific. How is Bob a dick? Because he isn’t friendly to new employees? Because he sexually harasses people? He passes gas in his cube? Because he kisses ass? What? Go deeper. There are so many dicks in the corporate world you really need to define what flavor of dickishness you are referring to.)
Relationship Scale: 5 (1 to 10, 10 being best friends for life and 1 being your on the verge of slicing his throat with a letter opener. A five is exactly what you DON’T want. A five is worthless. A one is someone you know you can destroy without losing a minute of sleep and a 10 could be an ally for life. A five is nothing but a problem.)
Relationship Goal: Destroy him. (This is from a choice of three: Destroy Him, Ally With, Ignore)
Action Plan: Offer to help work on the Project X launch plan, or pick up some of the competitive research as well. If Bob refuses to let you help, then spend more time with Dick after Bob goes home for the night.
---
It’s a little thin, but it’s a start. Jimmy now has a clear idea of who he is competing with and how to compete well. As Bob has the exact same job title as Jimmy, the same boss, the same skill set and as Bob owns a good hunk of territory that Jimmy wants, and because Bob is a dick, Jimmy has made the wise decision to destroy Bob.
I know. That sounds cold. It doesn’t seem polite to start your career by deciding you want to destroy someone. If you like, use words like “compete with” or “excel past” if being politically correct makes you feel better. Go ahead and think to yourself: “May the best person win.” Send your enemy (oh sorry, your “competition”) Christmas cards and buy him lunch once a week. Give him a goddamn daily back massage if you want. In fact, I highly recommend doing all those things, and still work diligently to destroy him.
When I say destroy, I don’t mean murder him, which is illegal, and difficult to do without getting caught. I don’t recommend it all at all, unless you know you won’t get caught. And you will. Unless you won’t. Let me be clear…I don’t recommend murder, and you can tell the district attorney that, should you get caught, unless you aren’t.
When I say destroy, I mean secure yourself the next available promotion or grab a leadership role on the next high profile project. I mean find a way to move past or remove the guy on the ladder ahead of you, who is there simply because his start date occurred before yours.
If Jimmy outworks Bob, outthinks him, out ass kisses him, out maneuvers him, and turns in better results, who do you think will get Dick’s job when it comes time for Dick to move up or move out? Of course it should be Jimmy, and at that point Bob will be ruined. He’ll have been passed over, even though he had seniority. Effectively, Bob’s career will be destroyed, because it’s extremely doubtful that Bob will hang around to become Jimmy’s employee. In fact, Jimmy, as a good White Collar Warrior, won’t let that happen.
So, Jimmy’s goal is to destroy Bob. You can call it what you like. However, if you expect to get anywhere in the corporate world, you need to embrace the fact that the people in between you and your goals need to be dealt with. And, you need to be able to handle the results of that. After Bob’s embarrassing demise, will Jimmy be able to handle seeing Bob cry? Will he be able to stomach knowing that Bob is headed towards another dead end position in another department or potentially even unemployment? If Bob’s wife leaves him, if Bob ends up working at the corner 7-11, if Bob ends up homeless and living in a refrigerator box under a highway overpass, will Jimmy be able to sleep well at night?
He better. If success makes you lose sleep, I recommend sleeping pills, or alcohol, or drugs. But not all at the same time.
Now, let’s break down The List in greater detail…(To be continued in Chapter Three, Part Two)
JIMMY’S DAY 30
Jimmy has worked for the company a month now, and while still almost completely useless, he is doing something worthwhile, something I advised him to do that will serve him well in the battles to come. He’s created The List.
Some might see it an enemies list, a black list, or a revenge list. It is not any of those things. (However, if your enemies ever find this list, they will give it an evil name and hang it around your neck as they lead you to slaughter. Beware. Next time you are in Hell, ask Richard Nixon about his famed “Enemies List.”)
The List is simply a list of the people you come in contact with each day, people you work with and for, and who work for you. For each person, you simply document a few key facts. It’s quite easy. I’m going to give you a worksheet and everything.
Basically, it comes down to identifying a co-worker’s type, strengths and weakness, along with some other needed info, like birthdate, marital status, sexual preference, hobbies, a list of job territories (the corporate areas they control and that you might want to relieve them of), and a relationship scale, which marks where the subject is on your friend-to-enemy continuum. Also, you need to jot down a brief action plan, detailing what you plan on doing with all this handy information you’re documenting.
Here’s how useful having The List is. Let’s visit Jimmy once again…
In Jimmy’s first week, he exploited Bob’s one big obvious weakness, his leaving work early to be with his grumpy wife. Jimmy was able to benefit from the weakness in a small way by gathering intelligence after hours and creating the impression of putting extra time in.
In the future, Jimmy will be more carefully collecting details about Bob and everyone else around him. Jimmy has added Bob to The List. Here’s what it looks like…
---
Name: Bob Jones
Rank: Peer (Out of five choices: employee, peer, direct superior, superior’s superior, big cheese)
Job Title: Assistant to the assistant account executive.
Type: The Complete Dick (I’m going to give you a list of several possible co-worker types and explain how to identify those types.)
Age: Mid-30s, not sure. (When you can, fill in any missing info as you get it. Small details are more important than you think.)
Time of Hire: 1 year before me. (This is an important detail, as it will give you a good idea how much of a head start you have to overcome.)
Birthdate: Don’t know.
Married? Yes.
Happily? Don’t think so.
Sexual preference? 9 (This is not a simple yes or no question. It is based on a spectrum, 1 being totally flaming gay and 10 being NASCAR-dad straight. Bob got himself a 9 because of the sports car and babe pictures in his cube. But keep in mind that these answers are written in pencil for a reason. Could Bob be over compensating?)
Hobbies: Loves sports cars, and semi-naked women sitting on top of sports cars. Whimpering to his wife.
Job Territories You Want: 1. Working With Dick on Product X Launch Presentation 2. Competitive Research (You have to choose carefully what territory you want. Some job space is worthless and some will add decades to your job security.)
Job Territory You Don’t Want: Tending To Already Launched Products Y and Z (Notice that Jimmy envies projects that haven’t launched yet and is happy to concede previously launched projects.)
Strengths: Knows more about the competition than anyone else, and Dick relies on him for that.
Weaknesses: Always leaving early due to bitchy wife. Also, he’s a dick. (I’d rather Jimmy be more specific. How is Bob a dick? Because he isn’t friendly to new employees? Because he sexually harasses people? He passes gas in his cube? Because he kisses ass? What? Go deeper. There are so many dicks in the corporate world you really need to define what flavor of dickishness you are referring to.)
Relationship Scale: 5 (1 to 10, 10 being best friends for life and 1 being your on the verge of slicing his throat with a letter opener. A five is exactly what you DON’T want. A five is worthless. A one is someone you know you can destroy without losing a minute of sleep and a 10 could be an ally for life. A five is nothing but a problem.)
Relationship Goal: Destroy him. (This is from a choice of three: Destroy Him, Ally With, Ignore)
Action Plan: Offer to help work on the Project X launch plan, or pick up some of the competitive research as well. If Bob refuses to let you help, then spend more time with Dick after Bob goes home for the night.
---
It’s a little thin, but it’s a start. Jimmy now has a clear idea of who he is competing with and how to compete well. As Bob has the exact same job title as Jimmy, the same boss, the same skill set and as Bob owns a good hunk of territory that Jimmy wants, and because Bob is a dick, Jimmy has made the wise decision to destroy Bob.
I know. That sounds cold. It doesn’t seem polite to start your career by deciding you want to destroy someone. If you like, use words like “compete with” or “excel past” if being politically correct makes you feel better. Go ahead and think to yourself: “May the best person win.” Send your enemy (oh sorry, your “competition”) Christmas cards and buy him lunch once a week. Give him a goddamn daily back massage if you want. In fact, I highly recommend doing all those things, and still work diligently to destroy him.
When I say destroy, I don’t mean murder him, which is illegal, and difficult to do without getting caught. I don’t recommend it all at all, unless you know you won’t get caught. And you will. Unless you won’t. Let me be clear…I don’t recommend murder, and you can tell the district attorney that, should you get caught, unless you aren’t.
When I say destroy, I mean secure yourself the next available promotion or grab a leadership role on the next high profile project. I mean find a way to move past or remove the guy on the ladder ahead of you, who is there simply because his start date occurred before yours.
If Jimmy outworks Bob, outthinks him, out ass kisses him, out maneuvers him, and turns in better results, who do you think will get Dick’s job when it comes time for Dick to move up or move out? Of course it should be Jimmy, and at that point Bob will be ruined. He’ll have been passed over, even though he had seniority. Effectively, Bob’s career will be destroyed, because it’s extremely doubtful that Bob will hang around to become Jimmy’s employee. In fact, Jimmy, as a good White Collar Warrior, won’t let that happen.
So, Jimmy’s goal is to destroy Bob. You can call it what you like. However, if you expect to get anywhere in the corporate world, you need to embrace the fact that the people in between you and your goals need to be dealt with. And, you need to be able to handle the results of that. After Bob’s embarrassing demise, will Jimmy be able to handle seeing Bob cry? Will he be able to stomach knowing that Bob is headed towards another dead end position in another department or potentially even unemployment? If Bob’s wife leaves him, if Bob ends up working at the corner 7-11, if Bob ends up homeless and living in a refrigerator box under a highway overpass, will Jimmy be able to sleep well at night?
He better. If success makes you lose sleep, I recommend sleeping pills, or alcohol, or drugs. But not all at the same time.
Now, let’s break down The List in greater detail…(To be continued in Chapter Three, Part Two)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Recession cured! Through the magic of PowerPoint!
Warriors, it’s becoming clear that the way to cure this recession is more meetings, lots more meetings.
It must be, because that seems to be my company’s way of dealing with it, scheduling more meetings, with more worldwide travel, more conference calls, with more PowerPoint creation, more rehearsals, more late night meetings to prepare for the meetings, more rounds of feedback on presentations, which results in more working on presentations.
We’ve decided that instead of speaking to customers, and figuring out better products and better ways to talk to customers, we are going to talk to ourselves, often, and through an animated slideshow program with pictures clipped from Flickr and funny moves from YouTube. What are we telling ourselves? Basically, when you boil it down, we’re telling each other everything is going to be okay. We have products. We are going to market them. We will remain employed. Probably.
All these meetings? It’s the same thing as getting a hug from your mother after you scrapped your knee. And as about as helpful.
Well, not really. It’s less helpful. It is more like your mom is so intent on your listening to her that she won’t let you up so you can spray antiseptic on your bleeding wound and bandage it. Instead, she’s going to hold you down and scream meaningless into your face until your knee gets gangrene and has to be amputated.
(Helpful PowerPoint tip: If you need pictures of people who look kind of like your target market, just search on Flickr!)
It must be, because that seems to be my company’s way of dealing with it, scheduling more meetings, with more worldwide travel, more conference calls, with more PowerPoint creation, more rehearsals, more late night meetings to prepare for the meetings, more rounds of feedback on presentations, which results in more working on presentations.
We’ve decided that instead of speaking to customers, and figuring out better products and better ways to talk to customers, we are going to talk to ourselves, often, and through an animated slideshow program with pictures clipped from Flickr and funny moves from YouTube. What are we telling ourselves? Basically, when you boil it down, we’re telling each other everything is going to be okay. We have products. We are going to market them. We will remain employed. Probably.
All these meetings? It’s the same thing as getting a hug from your mother after you scrapped your knee. And as about as helpful.
Well, not really. It’s less helpful. It is more like your mom is so intent on your listening to her that she won’t let you up so you can spray antiseptic on your bleeding wound and bandage it. Instead, she’s going to hold you down and scream meaningless into your face until your knee gets gangrene and has to be amputated.
(Helpful PowerPoint tip: If you need pictures of people who look kind of like your target market, just search on Flickr!)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Corporate Vocabulary #1 – Schadenfeedbackrude
Today’s word is a derivative from the German compound word “Schadenfreude,” which is the peculiar and slightly guilty pleasure one takes from misfortunes of others. Leave it to the German to define that particularly ugly human emotion.
In the corporate world, we have “Schadenfeedbackrude,” which is the pleasure one takes from the negative feedback someone else gets.
For instance, say a co-worker, a friendly competitor, or your boss is up in front of an audience pitching a presentation, clicking through those PowerPoint slides, feeling so good about how wonderful it is to be on stage and spewing highly polished bullshit.
And then, feedback lightning strikes, a senior exec in the audience calls bullshit, criticizes logic flaws in the plan, complains that the research methods are invalid or that the choice of fonts and colors is atrocious.
"Oh god, if I see Tohoma Bold ever again I'll just claw my eyes out!" (Hardcore PowerPointers are passionate about fonts. And don't get them started on animations.)
The presenter deflates. His eyes fill with panic and hurt. He gets defensive. You can see his soul suffering. Wetting his pants is not out of the question.
And maybe your presentation, the one before his, wasn’t so great, but wasn't tied to a stake and stoned. In fact, in comparison, you’re looking pretty damn good.
That feeling warming in your chest that makes the air taste good? That urge to lift the corners of your mouth into a slight, almost imperceptible smile?
That, warriors, is Schadenfeedbackrude.
In the corporate world, we have “Schadenfeedbackrude,” which is the pleasure one takes from the negative feedback someone else gets.
For instance, say a co-worker, a friendly competitor, or your boss is up in front of an audience pitching a presentation, clicking through those PowerPoint slides, feeling so good about how wonderful it is to be on stage and spewing highly polished bullshit.
And then, feedback lightning strikes, a senior exec in the audience calls bullshit, criticizes logic flaws in the plan, complains that the research methods are invalid or that the choice of fonts and colors is atrocious.
"Oh god, if I see Tohoma Bold ever again I'll just claw my eyes out!" (Hardcore PowerPointers are passionate about fonts. And don't get them started on animations.)
The presenter deflates. His eyes fill with panic and hurt. He gets defensive. You can see his soul suffering. Wetting his pants is not out of the question.
And maybe your presentation, the one before his, wasn’t so great, but wasn't tied to a stake and stoned. In fact, in comparison, you’re looking pretty damn good.
That feeling warming in your chest that makes the air taste good? That urge to lift the corners of your mouth into a slight, almost imperceptible smile?
That, warriors, is Schadenfeedbackrude.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome
Warriors, there are times you’ll need to diagnose illnesses, corporate illnesses, the kind not curable through traditional medicine, the kind with symptoms that could cause you craziness, frustration, hours of extra work, hysterical laughter and quite possibly rage.
Today, we will discuss Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome, a horrible scourge that plagues Cubeland. ETS is quite common among the white collared, from whom you’ll hear all kinds of wrong, stupid and bizarre things. These people are sane, educated and probably not drunk. They are simply suffering from ETS.
There are various varieties of ETS, but today we’ll just be discussing the “Insecure” strain.
Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome presents itself in meetings where the patient isn’t saying much, where everyone else is participating, discussing, and being productive. The patient will be the guy in the corner, furrowing his brow and nodding his head, maybe looking confused, and remaining silent.
The Insecure Executive, who might be new to the company, or maybe just dumb, will eventually become uncomfortable with his own silence. His boss will say something. His direct reports will be contributing. Others in the room will add to the discussion. Things might be going quite well, except for the fact that he’s not saying anything, not proving himself to be worthy of being in the room, and perhaps not worthy of his paycheck.
He’s thinking about himself and what everyone is thinking of him, and not the problem being discussed. He feels himself in quicksand, sinking slowly deeper into his silence, where he will eventually become completely unneeded, ignored and inconsequential.
At that point, to stave off the panic, he’ll blurt out something beside the point, redundant or crazy.
“I think our target market should be everybody!” could be one blurted out statement, and anyone who knows anything about marketing knows that that statement is the dumbest ever uttered. Yet, people keep saying it like it means something. Why? Because it sounds big and bold, like you’re pushing the boundaries of what’s possible. It’s as meaningless as saying, “What I think we should do is push the boundaries of what’s possible!”
Sure, skipper, you write up a project plan for all that boundary pushing you think we should be doing.
Other things you might hear the IETS victim blurt out include:
“What if we brought this idea to Facebook!”
“What if we buy a Super Bowl ad!”
“We should get even further outside the box!”
“Take a look at Avatar! What’s the common dominator between us and Avatar? It’s the biggest movie ever! Maybe something about the color blue…”
“What if we went so far outside of the box that we end up back in the box?!”
“Let’s set up more brainstorm meetings to generate ideation around the boundaries we need to push outside of the box and into another box where Facebook apps live. Also, Twitter. What about Twitter?”
In short, if you hear something crazy, redundant, blindingly obvious or that is a head-rattling non sequitur, you are in the presence of someone experiencing Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome.
There is no cure, sadly. Just pretend you didn’t hear anything and move along. The victim will eventually get over it, or, if your company is like my company, promoted over and over again.
Tip! If you experience IETS, do not speak. Hold it in. It might hurt; it might even burn. But keep your mouth shut. If you absolutely have to say something, ask a question. Contrary to popular belief, people who ask questions almost always sound smarter than people who blurt out inanities or blinding flashes of the obvious.
Today, we will discuss Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome, a horrible scourge that plagues Cubeland. ETS is quite common among the white collared, from whom you’ll hear all kinds of wrong, stupid and bizarre things. These people are sane, educated and probably not drunk. They are simply suffering from ETS.
There are various varieties of ETS, but today we’ll just be discussing the “Insecure” strain.
Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome presents itself in meetings where the patient isn’t saying much, where everyone else is participating, discussing, and being productive. The patient will be the guy in the corner, furrowing his brow and nodding his head, maybe looking confused, and remaining silent.
The Insecure Executive, who might be new to the company, or maybe just dumb, will eventually become uncomfortable with his own silence. His boss will say something. His direct reports will be contributing. Others in the room will add to the discussion. Things might be going quite well, except for the fact that he’s not saying anything, not proving himself to be worthy of being in the room, and perhaps not worthy of his paycheck.
He’s thinking about himself and what everyone is thinking of him, and not the problem being discussed. He feels himself in quicksand, sinking slowly deeper into his silence, where he will eventually become completely unneeded, ignored and inconsequential.
At that point, to stave off the panic, he’ll blurt out something beside the point, redundant or crazy.
“I think our target market should be everybody!” could be one blurted out statement, and anyone who knows anything about marketing knows that that statement is the dumbest ever uttered. Yet, people keep saying it like it means something. Why? Because it sounds big and bold, like you’re pushing the boundaries of what’s possible. It’s as meaningless as saying, “What I think we should do is push the boundaries of what’s possible!”
Sure, skipper, you write up a project plan for all that boundary pushing you think we should be doing.
Other things you might hear the IETS victim blurt out include:
“What if we brought this idea to Facebook!”
“What if we buy a Super Bowl ad!”
“We should get even further outside the box!”
“Take a look at Avatar! What’s the common dominator between us and Avatar? It’s the biggest movie ever! Maybe something about the color blue…”
“What if we went so far outside of the box that we end up back in the box?!”
“Let’s set up more brainstorm meetings to generate ideation around the boundaries we need to push outside of the box and into another box where Facebook apps live. Also, Twitter. What about Twitter?”
In short, if you hear something crazy, redundant, blindingly obvious or that is a head-rattling non sequitur, you are in the presence of someone experiencing Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome.
There is no cure, sadly. Just pretend you didn’t hear anything and move along. The victim will eventually get over it, or, if your company is like my company, promoted over and over again.
Tip! If you experience IETS, do not speak. Hold it in. It might hurt; it might even burn. But keep your mouth shut. If you absolutely have to say something, ask a question. Contrary to popular belief, people who ask questions almost always sound smarter than people who blurt out inanities or blinding flashes of the obvious.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Corporate Metaphor Mixmaster
Heard around Cubeland…
“Smell the writing on the wall.”
“He’s between a rock and a hard place because he’s got to make elephants dance.”
“There is an 800 pound gorilla in the room and that’s because we can’t find the pony in this thing.”
“I don’t believe the research. (That thing) is only for women or men who want to be women.”
A: “Ideation is the product of brainstorming.”
B: “No it’s not. Ideation is brainstorming.”
A: “I’ve got an idea. Go fuck yourself.”
“Smell the writing on the wall.”
“He’s between a rock and a hard place because he’s got to make elephants dance.”
“There is an 800 pound gorilla in the room and that’s because we can’t find the pony in this thing.”
“I don’t believe the research. (That thing) is only for women or men who want to be women.”
A: “Ideation is the product of brainstorming.”
B: “No it’s not. Ideation is brainstorming.”
A: “I’ve got an idea. Go fuck yourself.”
Friday, February 26, 2010
Suspended Cynicism Temporarily
If you spend a decade or so in corporate life, it’s easy, perhaps even mandatory, to get cynical. I don’t know a successful long-term cube dweller who doesn’t look at everything the company does without a critical, skeptical, jaundiced eye.
Cubelanders who start hopeful and optimistic eventually get their souls crushed. Some leave for other destinies (perhaps at start ups, or as teachers, or as people in unemployment lines). Or, they get cynical, understand the rules this game is played by, and begin playing to win (or at least to not lose).
I’m as cynical as they come. And yet, every once in a while, I have moment where the optimism and pride of my youth returns, when I am reminded of what I felt when I was a new employee with a new computer in a slightly used cube working for a massive company even my parents had heard of.
Yesterday at the cold fusion meeting was one of those times. One of the upsides to giant corporations is that at almost every level, in every division, you bump into amazing, talented, intelligent and genuinely nice people. For the last two days, I had the pleasure of sitting in a room with a handful of those people, and I’m once again glad I work here.
So, here’s to you, guy who is doing something risky that could change our business forever, and other guy who is inventing something amazing with a small budget no one knows about, and gal who genuinely cares about the people who work for her, and other guy who calls bullshit on bullshit with seemingly no fear. Nicely done. Nice working with you.
Cubelanders who start hopeful and optimistic eventually get their souls crushed. Some leave for other destinies (perhaps at start ups, or as teachers, or as people in unemployment lines). Or, they get cynical, understand the rules this game is played by, and begin playing to win (or at least to not lose).
I’m as cynical as they come. And yet, every once in a while, I have moment where the optimism and pride of my youth returns, when I am reminded of what I felt when I was a new employee with a new computer in a slightly used cube working for a massive company even my parents had heard of.
Yesterday at the cold fusion meeting was one of those times. One of the upsides to giant corporations is that at almost every level, in every division, you bump into amazing, talented, intelligent and genuinely nice people. For the last two days, I had the pleasure of sitting in a room with a handful of those people, and I’m once again glad I work here.
So, here’s to you, guy who is doing something risky that could change our business forever, and other guy who is inventing something amazing with a small budget no one knows about, and gal who genuinely cares about the people who work for her, and other guy who calls bullshit on bullshit with seemingly no fear. Nicely done. Nice working with you.
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