Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome

Warriors, there are times you’ll need to diagnose illnesses, corporate illnesses, the kind not curable through traditional medicine, the kind with symptoms that could cause you craziness, frustration, hours of extra work, hysterical laughter and quite possibly rage.

Today, we will discuss Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome, a horrible scourge that plagues Cubeland. ETS is quite common among the white collared, from whom you’ll hear all kinds of wrong, stupid and bizarre things. These people are sane, educated and probably not drunk. They are simply suffering from ETS.

There are various varieties of ETS, but today we’ll just be discussing the “Insecure” strain.

Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome presents itself in meetings where the patient isn’t saying much, where everyone else is participating, discussing, and being productive. The patient will be the guy in the corner, furrowing his brow and nodding his head, maybe looking confused, and remaining silent.

The Insecure Executive, who might be new to the company, or maybe just dumb, will eventually become uncomfortable with his own silence. His boss will say something. His direct reports will be contributing. Others in the room will add to the discussion. Things might be going quite well, except for the fact that he’s not saying anything, not proving himself to be worthy of being in the room, and perhaps not worthy of his paycheck.

He’s thinking about himself and what everyone is thinking of him, and not the problem being discussed. He feels himself in quicksand, sinking slowly deeper into his silence, where he will eventually become completely unneeded, ignored and inconsequential.

At that point, to stave off the panic, he’ll blurt out something beside the point, redundant or crazy.

“I think our target market should be everybody!” could be one blurted out statement, and anyone who knows anything about marketing knows that that statement is the dumbest ever uttered. Yet, people keep saying it like it means something. Why? Because it sounds big and bold, like you’re pushing the boundaries of what’s possible. It’s as meaningless as saying, “What I think we should do is push the boundaries of what’s possible!”

Sure, skipper, you write up a project plan for all that boundary pushing you think we should be doing.

Other things you might hear the IETS victim blurt out include:

“What if we brought this idea to Facebook!”

“What if we buy a Super Bowl ad!”

“We should get even further outside the box!”

“Take a look at Avatar! What’s the common dominator between us and Avatar? It’s the biggest movie ever! Maybe something about the color blue…”

“What if we went so far outside of the box that we end up back in the box?!”

“Let’s set up more brainstorm meetings to generate ideation around the boundaries we need to push outside of the box and into another box where Facebook apps live. Also, Twitter. What about Twitter?”

In short, if you hear something crazy, redundant, blindingly obvious or that is a head-rattling non sequitur, you are in the presence of someone experiencing Insecure Executive Turrets Syndrome.

There is no cure, sadly. Just pretend you didn’t hear anything and move along. The victim will eventually get over it, or, if your company is like my company, promoted over and over again.

Tip! If you experience IETS, do not speak. Hold it in. It might hurt; it might even burn. But keep your mouth shut. If you absolutely have to say something, ask a question. Contrary to popular belief, people who ask questions almost always sound smarter than people who blurt out inanities or blinding flashes of the obvious.