CHAPTER 3, PART 1 -- Know Your Enemies, Otherwise Known as Your Co-Workers

(Note: This is Chapter Three, Part One of my book, White Collar Warrior(tm). You can read the chapters that came before this one by clicking on the links to the right. If you are interested in representing or publishing my book, please let me know at whitecollarwarrior@hotmail.com. Thanks!)

JIMMY’S DAY 30

Jimmy has worked for the company a month now, and while still almost completely useless, he is doing something worthwhile, something I advised him to do that will serve him well in the battles to come. He’s created The List.

Some might see it an enemies list, a black list, or a revenge list. It is not any of those things. (However, if your enemies ever find this list, they will give it an evil name and hang it around your neck as they lead you to slaughter. Beware. Next time you are in Hell, ask Richard Nixon about his famed “Enemies List.”)

The List is simply a list of the people you come in contact with each day, people you work with and for, and who work for you. For each person, you simply document a few key facts. It’s quite easy. I’m going to give you a worksheet and everything.

Basically, it comes down to identifying a co-worker’s type, strengths and weakness, along with some other needed info, like birthdate, marital status, sexual preference, hobbies, a list of job territories (the corporate areas they control and that you might want to relieve them of), and a relationship scale, which marks where the subject is on your friend-to-enemy continuum. Also, you need to jot down a brief action plan, detailing what you plan on doing with all this handy information you’re documenting.

Here’s how useful having The List is. Let’s visit Jimmy once again…

In Jimmy’s first week, he exploited Bob’s one big obvious weakness, his leaving work early to be with his grumpy wife. Jimmy was able to benefit from the weakness in a small way by gathering intelligence after hours and creating the impression of putting extra time in.

In the future, Jimmy will be more carefully collecting details about Bob and everyone else around him. Jimmy has added Bob to The List. Here’s what it looks like…

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Name: Bob Jones

Rank: Peer (Out of five choices: employee, peer, direct superior, superior’s superior, big cheese)

Job Title: Assistant to the assistant account executive.

Type: The Complete Dick (I’m going to give you a list of several possible co-worker types and explain how to identify those types.)

Age: Mid-30s, not sure. (When you can, fill in any missing info as you get it. Small details are more important than you think.)

Time of Hire: 1 year before me. (This is an important detail, as it will give you a good idea how much of a head start you have to overcome.)

Birthdate: Don’t know.

Married? Yes.

Happily? Don’t think so.

Sexual preference? 9 (This is not a simple yes or no question. It is based on a spectrum, 1 being totally flaming gay and 10 being NASCAR-dad straight. Bob got himself a 9 because of the sports car and babe pictures in his cube. But keep in mind that these answers are written in pencil for a reason. Could Bob be over compensating?)

Hobbies: Loves sports cars, and semi-naked women sitting on top of sports cars. Whimpering to his wife.

Job Territories You Want: 1. Working With Dick on Product X Launch Presentation 2. Competitive Research (You have to choose carefully what territory you want. Some job space is worthless and some will add decades to your job security.)

Job Territory You Don’t Want: Tending To Already Launched Products Y and Z (Notice that Jimmy envies projects that haven’t launched yet and is happy to concede previously launched projects.)

Strengths: Knows more about the competition than anyone else, and Dick relies on him for that.

Weaknesses: Always leaving early due to bitchy wife. Also, he’s a dick. (I’d rather Jimmy be more specific. How is Bob a dick? Because he isn’t friendly to new employees? Because he sexually harasses people? He passes gas in his cube? Because he kisses ass? What? Go deeper. There are so many dicks in the corporate world you really need to define what flavor of dickishness you are referring to.)

Relationship Scale: 5 (1 to 10, 10 being best friends for life and 1 being your on the verge of slicing his throat with a letter opener. A five is exactly what you DON’T want. A five is worthless. A one is someone you know you can destroy without losing a minute of sleep and a 10 could be an ally for life. A five is nothing but a problem.)

Relationship Goal: Destroy him. (This is from a choice of three: Destroy Him, Ally With, Ignore)

Action Plan: Offer to help work on the Project X launch plan, or pick up some of the competitive research as well. If Bob refuses to let you help, then spend more time with Dick after Bob goes home for the night.

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It’s a little thin, but it’s a start. Jimmy now has a clear idea of who he is competing with and how to compete well. As Bob has the exact same job title as Jimmy, the same boss, the same skill set and as Bob owns a good hunk of territory that Jimmy wants, and because Bob is a dick, Jimmy has made the wise decision to destroy Bob.

I know. That sounds cold. It doesn’t seem polite to start your career by deciding you want to destroy someone. If you like, use words like “compete with” or “excel past” if being politically correct makes you feel better. Go ahead and think to yourself: “May the best person win.” Send your enemy (oh sorry, your “competition”) Christmas cards and buy him lunch once a week. Give him a goddamn daily back massage if you want. In fact, I highly recommend doing all those things, and still work diligently to destroy him.

When I say destroy, I don’t mean murder him, which is illegal, and difficult to do without getting caught. I don’t recommend it all at all, unless you know you won’t get caught. And you will. Unless you won’t. Let me be clear…I don’t recommend murder, and you can tell the district attorney that, should you get caught, unless you aren’t.

When I say destroy, I mean secure yourself the next available promotion or grab a leadership role on the next high profile project. I mean find a way to move past or remove the guy on the ladder ahead of you, who is there simply because his start date occurred before yours.

If Jimmy outworks Bob, outthinks him, out ass kisses him, out maneuvers him, and turns in better results, who do you think will get Dick’s job when it comes time for Dick to move up or move out? Of course it should be Jimmy, and at that point Bob will be ruined. He’ll have been passed over, even though he had seniority. Effectively, Bob’s career will be destroyed, because it’s extremely doubtful that Bob will hang around to become Jimmy’s employee. In fact, Jimmy, as a good White Collar Warrior, won’t let that happen.

So, Jimmy’s goal is to destroy Bob. You can call it what you like. However, if you expect to get anywhere in the corporate world, you need to embrace the fact that the people in between you and your goals need to be dealt with. And, you need to be able to handle the results of that. After Bob’s embarrassing demise, will Jimmy be able to handle seeing Bob cry? Will he be able to stomach knowing that Bob is headed towards another dead end position in another department or potentially even unemployment? If Bob’s wife leaves him, if Bob ends up working at the corner 7-11, if Bob ends up homeless and living in a refrigerator box under a highway overpass, will Jimmy be able to sleep well at night?

He better. If success makes you lose sleep, I recommend sleeping pills, or alcohol, or drugs. But not all at the same time.

Now, let’s break down The List in greater detail…(To be continued in Chapter Three, Part Two)