Chapter One, Part 2 - ADVICE FOR CAREER DAY ONE

THE WHITE COLLAR WARRIOR’S ADVICE FOR CAREER DAY ONE

Jimmy made just about every mistake possible, the same exact mistakes most cube dwellers make on Day One.

Here is what you need to do on your first day as a White Collar Warrior:

1. Realize this and believe it with every ounce of your being: No one at your company gives a flying, flaming fuck about you if it’s your first day at a bottom-of-the-ladder job.

a. Everyone in Cubeland is trying to get up the ladder, and what they don’t need is someone climbing up their backs trying to get ahead of them. Your boss, co-workers, every person in your department, every person in every other department, and every one else right down to the cleaning staff resent your existence and wish you would go away. You’re either more work for them or a threat to their own little hunk of territory.

b. And that’s why you need to follow this next rule:

2. Don’t rely on anyone for help, especially those who are assigned to help you. Be aggressive in getting the supplies and information you need to work.

a. Sometimes needed info and advice will be offered on Day One, but it will likely be incomplete info and bad advice. You’ll be lucky to get accurate directions to the restroom. Most companies have some kind of orientation (complete with a stupor-inducing tour) and some form of welcomer or, in the case of one company I know of, a “day one buddy.” (One day is about all the friendship you’re going to get from this buddy, who probably volunteered for the job to get the $20 company café voucher, of which he will spend about $10 on your welcome lunch and pocket the rest.)

3. When you come into contact with your welcomer (or whatever they call it at your company) get these things before you are abandoned:

a. An up-to-date company phone directory, which you will visually confirm was printed at some point in the last 30 days.

b. Your computer passwords, which you will make sure work before your welcomer leaves your cube. If she needs to bring in some tech guys, then fine, but she doesn’t leave until you’re up and running.

c. Your welcomer’s name, location of her cube, phone extension and the name of her supervisor, so you can send a nice note on how you were treated (or how bewildered and ignorant she left you).

d. Plenty of legal pads, pens, a stapler, a tape dispenser (with plenty of tape) and a box of paper clips (no less than 100).

4. Once all that’s done, call your boss and schedule a meeting for as soon as possible.

a. Begin taking control of the relationship with your supervisor. You need to think about managing him, and not letting yourself be managed. He needs to know that you’re so efficient and hard working you don’t need supervision.

5. Begin taking stocking of your co-workers.

a. You need to know them. What are they working on? What are their likes and dislikes? What are their fears? And most importantly, what are their weaknesses?

b. Eventually, you’re going to make a list of enemies and allies. No matter which side a co-worker falls on, you need all the intelligence you can gather. You never know who you’re going to need to destroy.

c. Much more on this in Chapter Three: Know Your Enemies, Otherwise Known as Your Co-Workers.


ANALYSIS OF JIMMY’S DAY ONE

Back to Jimmy, and his sorry example. Aside from the obvious stuff, there were a couple things he could have done to give him a serious edge on Day One.

One, he should have taken note of everything in Bob’s cube. Bob, being a dick and fairly stupid, turned his back on Jimmy. At that point Jimmy should have scanned Bob’s desk, any memos or notepad with writing on them, and anything written on the white board. If Bob is controlling any territory that Jimmy wants, Jimmy lost a chance to find out.

Two, he should have taken note of Bob’s conversation, which was probably with a girlfriend or spouse. The tone of it was filled with low-level anger and frustration, a sign of relationship trouble, a serious weakness. That fact should have been filed away in Jimmy’s list of usable facts. Workers with relationship problems are extremely easy to manipulate. There is much more on this in Chapter Three: Know Your Enemies, Otherwise Known as Your Co-Workers.

And another thing Jimmy didn’t take note of, but he’ll realize it soon enough…His boss is an ass. You might think Dick is a disciple of the White Collar Warrior because he has an air of confidence and used the lame technique of “accidentally” talking shit about someone when you know they can hear you.

Let’s get something straight. A WCW is almost always subtle, almost always perceived as a nice person, almost always liked by those around him. Going out of your way to piss people off is a dumb move, especially the people who work for you because those are the people to whom you are the most vulnerable.

In the olden days, when you went into battle with sword and shield, you held your shield toward the enemy, anticipating that’s where an attack will come from. And that left your back is exposed to whom? An ally with a sword as sharp as yours. You really want the guy behind you, with a clear shot at your unprotected backside, pissed at you?

END OF CHAPTER ONE