Annoying Management Technique 256: Insulting By Explaining The Obvious

A really clever way to insult one of your employees, without actually insulting him, is to explain the job in mind numbingly basic terms, repeatedly, even if that person has been doing the work for 20 years.

It's the perfect insult because the target can't complain to anyone, has no grounds for protest, and will sound like a whiner if he does. It's also a great way to take credit for an employee's work, because no matter how good a job he does, it will always be because you told him exactly what to do and how to do it. Remember, it's not about who did the work; it's about who gets the credit.

For instance, you're the chief of surgery, and a young hotshot with steady hands and steely eyes has been taking up a little too much of the hospital newsletter lately. He's about to start an open heart procedure and you scrub in to observe, and to remind him of his place without being boorish about it. You're one with the name on the parking space, not him.

Before he makes the first incision, tell him: "You're going to want to cut the chest open. Make a nice straight incision, then gently cut open the breast bone with the saw."

He'll give you a look as he's cutting, not sure whether to let you know that he does indeed know how to slice people open, that he's been doing it for 10 years now, that he still has $250,000 in school loans because all he ever wanted to do with his life is crack open chests. He doesn't want to be rude to the chief after all.

You should then say, after the chest is open, "You did scrub up well right? Can't take chances of staff infection during a surgery as delicate as this."

What he'll hear is an accusation: "You cut corners. You're lazy. You didn't wash your hands before you plunged them into some poor guys chest. I think you're an idiot."

He'll grow angry, but internalize it, swallowing his rage, feeling more insulted with each carefully chosen suggestion and direction. To the casual observer, your not doing anything but helping, giving advice, providing assurances that a delicate operation goes well.

He'll swallow his anger. His hands will shake. His rage will occasionally flash in his eyes, but you'll be the only one to see it. He'll struggle to think about the 100 things he needs to keep in mind to keep a soul alive, yet all he'll want to do is take his scalpel and ram it into your eye.

After a few weeks of "observing" his surgeries, he'll put in his notice and you'll be the golden boy again, back in your rightful place on the front page of the hospital newsletter. Congratulations.