If you can't attend the meeting, and the meeting is about art work, and you are on the conference call and can't see the artwork...Don't issue an opinion.
That way, you won't say anything silly, resulting in the entire room silently laughing you.
That's one of the worst things that can ever happen to you, getting a room full of silent laughs while you are elsehwhere, pretending to be involved in the meeting via telephone.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The Nothing Meeting
Warriors, sometimes during your Cubeland adventures you will be bewildered. You will leave a meeting scratching your head and muttering “WTF?” (Because saying "fuck" too much looks bad and "WTF" is kind of funny in a hip, self-knowing, “I’m on my Balcberry too much” way.)
It won’t be the content of a meeting that causes your confusion, but rather the lack of any content whatsoever, the vacuum in the middle of the room that opens up seconds after you sit down, a vacuum spawned by everyone in the room wondering “Why am I here? What is this meeting really about?”
When this happens, you have experienced The Nothing Meeting. And like all meetings, you must know how to manage it accordingly.
You can tell you are in a Nothing Meeting if your boss starts by saying something like, “I just wanted to check in and see if everything was okay with (Blank).” The blank could be filled with “budget” or “planning” or “forecasting” or “hiring” or “unicorn wrangling” or anything at all, because it doesn't really matter.
The answer to your boss’ question should be, and probably is, “Everything is fine. Can I go now?”
But you can’t say that, because it’s your boss, and even though he has called a nonsensical meeting and is wasting your time, you need to remember your job, your true job – Make your boss glad you work for him.
So explain that everything is fine, then ask a few questions, seeing if you can figure what this meeting is really all about. It could be he was just lonely and felt like having a chat. It could be he heard something that concerned him, but he doesn’t want to tell you about it, so he’s asking generic questions to disguise what information he’s really after.
And sometimes, I swear, he will call a Nothing Meeting just because he can, because it makes him feel relevant, gives him a little buzz of empowerment. Perhaps the thought process is something like… “God, I am totally worthless, irrelevant and completely shit at my job. In fact, I can’t even figure out what my job really is. You know what I’ll do? Call a meeting. That’s a boss thing to do. Let’s get everyone in a room and talk about some stuff.”
So go in the room. Smile. Talk about whatever he wants to talk about.
It’s a Nothing Meeting, but if you increase your boss’s happiness in you working for him by smiling and chatting for an hour about nothing, it’s a Something Meeting.
It won’t be the content of a meeting that causes your confusion, but rather the lack of any content whatsoever, the vacuum in the middle of the room that opens up seconds after you sit down, a vacuum spawned by everyone in the room wondering “Why am I here? What is this meeting really about?”
When this happens, you have experienced The Nothing Meeting. And like all meetings, you must know how to manage it accordingly.
You can tell you are in a Nothing Meeting if your boss starts by saying something like, “I just wanted to check in and see if everything was okay with (Blank).” The blank could be filled with “budget” or “planning” or “forecasting” or “hiring” or “unicorn wrangling” or anything at all, because it doesn't really matter.
The answer to your boss’ question should be, and probably is, “Everything is fine. Can I go now?”
But you can’t say that, because it’s your boss, and even though he has called a nonsensical meeting and is wasting your time, you need to remember your job, your true job – Make your boss glad you work for him.
So explain that everything is fine, then ask a few questions, seeing if you can figure what this meeting is really all about. It could be he was just lonely and felt like having a chat. It could be he heard something that concerned him, but he doesn’t want to tell you about it, so he’s asking generic questions to disguise what information he’s really after.
And sometimes, I swear, he will call a Nothing Meeting just because he can, because it makes him feel relevant, gives him a little buzz of empowerment. Perhaps the thought process is something like… “God, I am totally worthless, irrelevant and completely shit at my job. In fact, I can’t even figure out what my job really is. You know what I’ll do? Call a meeting. That’s a boss thing to do. Let’s get everyone in a room and talk about some stuff.”
So go in the room. Smile. Talk about whatever he wants to talk about.
It’s a Nothing Meeting, but if you increase your boss’s happiness in you working for him by smiling and chatting for an hour about nothing, it’s a Something Meeting.
Friday, August 27, 2010
When drawing and quartering isn't quite punishment enough
Warriors, I‘m trying to think of a good punishment for people who schedule 9 a.m. meetings. Is there anything more annoying? Can someone be more inconsiderate and selfish? Maybe someone who schedules 8 a.m. meetings, but no one ever attends those, so they don’t matter.
However, you have no good excuse not to be at a 9 a.m. meeting. Legally, technically, according to HR, you should be at work and ready to go, with a smile.
But the truth is you need a good 30 to 60 minutes of coffee, chit-chat about True Blood, and YouTube video surfing before you’re actually ready to think about work, much less talk about it. Everyone in Cubeland should know this by now. It’s an unspoken agreement, “No 9 a.m. meetings!” And yet, they happen, scheduled either by the clueless or the evil.
In a 9 a.m. meeting this morning, I was literally daydreaming about the Starbucks I wasn’t visiting right then, about whether I’d get a plain latte or something more fancy, something with syrup, maybe vanilla. A muffin perhaps? Meanwhile, some jackass was yammering away about metrics and pick-ups and tie ratios and some kind of Internet-y thing about a new smart technology that will send some kind of hook on a wire out of a hard drive and pick the pockets of website visitors.
Every web agency sounds the same when they talk about their magic money-sucking technology. And I swear they invent new acronyms and buzz words every time they present. Flyby, Buzzclick, Eyepopper, Smartdot, Invisopixel, Tastycookie…just a few samples.
Anyway, back to the punishments!
Let’s go with, if you schedule a 9 a.m. meeting, you must name your first born an internet agency pseudo-English buzzword…Pixellint (for a girl) or Ramdrop (for a boy).
If you schedule a 9 a.m. meeting for a Monday morning, and you sent out the meeting invite over the weekend, let’s just agree you get the death penalty. Sorry, but you have got to go. I have dibs on your chair.
If you have other suggestions, let me know!
However, you have no good excuse not to be at a 9 a.m. meeting. Legally, technically, according to HR, you should be at work and ready to go, with a smile.
But the truth is you need a good 30 to 60 minutes of coffee, chit-chat about True Blood, and YouTube video surfing before you’re actually ready to think about work, much less talk about it. Everyone in Cubeland should know this by now. It’s an unspoken agreement, “No 9 a.m. meetings!” And yet, they happen, scheduled either by the clueless or the evil.
In a 9 a.m. meeting this morning, I was literally daydreaming about the Starbucks I wasn’t visiting right then, about whether I’d get a plain latte or something more fancy, something with syrup, maybe vanilla. A muffin perhaps? Meanwhile, some jackass was yammering away about metrics and pick-ups and tie ratios and some kind of Internet-y thing about a new smart technology that will send some kind of hook on a wire out of a hard drive and pick the pockets of website visitors.
Every web agency sounds the same when they talk about their magic money-sucking technology. And I swear they invent new acronyms and buzz words every time they present. Flyby, Buzzclick, Eyepopper, Smartdot, Invisopixel, Tastycookie…just a few samples.
Anyway, back to the punishments!
Let’s go with, if you schedule a 9 a.m. meeting, you must name your first born an internet agency pseudo-English buzzword…Pixellint (for a girl) or Ramdrop (for a boy).
If you schedule a 9 a.m. meeting for a Monday morning, and you sent out the meeting invite over the weekend, let’s just agree you get the death penalty. Sorry, but you have got to go. I have dibs on your chair.
If you have other suggestions, let me know!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
How to get a job -- It is easy!
Warriors, do you know what works in a job interview?
Just be nice. Smile. But not like a crazy person. Like a pleasant person.
Act like you want to work here, but don’t act like you want to be CEO tomorrow.
Know a few things about the products we make, but don’t tell me how to do my job.
You want me to feel like we will be friendly, if not friends.
You don’t want me to feel like you expect to have my job in a few months, if not a few weeks.
Be enthusiastic, but not fanatical. Confident, but not arrogant. Complimentary, but not ass kissing.
And spell check your fucking resume. Moron.
Do all that, and you might be surprised at how easy it is to get a gig. With me anyway.
Just be nice. Smile. But not like a crazy person. Like a pleasant person.
Act like you want to work here, but don’t act like you want to be CEO tomorrow.
Know a few things about the products we make, but don’t tell me how to do my job.
You want me to feel like we will be friendly, if not friends.
You don’t want me to feel like you expect to have my job in a few months, if not a few weeks.
Be enthusiastic, but not fanatical. Confident, but not arrogant. Complimentary, but not ass kissing.
And spell check your fucking resume. Moron.
Do all that, and you might be surprised at how easy it is to get a gig. With me anyway.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Go home, already. Just looking at you is making me tired
Warriors, at some point, you have to go home.
Despite being worried about how it looks to leave before your boss. And despite the fact that you have an endless list of urgent things to do that will prevent you from being laid off, earn you praise, further your career, save the stock price and perhaps keep the Earth from tumbling into the sun.
Every once in a while, you need to break one of the cardinal rules of White Collar Warriors. (That rule? Work today like you might be laid off tomorrow, but your boss hasn’t decided yet.)
If you are exhausted to the point of dizziness. If a third double cap at Starbucks isn’t going to do much for you outside of send you back to the urinal (where you aren’t exactly productive). If a you are trying to string four 5-Hour Energy drinks into a 20-Hour stretch of energy. (Don’t do that, BTW.)
Then go, the fuck, home. Come back tomorrow. The cube isn’t going anywhere.
Despite being worried about how it looks to leave before your boss. And despite the fact that you have an endless list of urgent things to do that will prevent you from being laid off, earn you praise, further your career, save the stock price and perhaps keep the Earth from tumbling into the sun.
Every once in a while, you need to break one of the cardinal rules of White Collar Warriors. (That rule? Work today like you might be laid off tomorrow, but your boss hasn’t decided yet.)
If you are exhausted to the point of dizziness. If a third double cap at Starbucks isn’t going to do much for you outside of send you back to the urinal (where you aren’t exactly productive). If a you are trying to string four 5-Hour Energy drinks into a 20-Hour stretch of energy. (Don’t do that, BTW.)
Then go, the fuck, home. Come back tomorrow. The cube isn’t going anywhere.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
How To Make People Mad While Trying To Save The World
Warriors, there are times in your career when you’ll asked to be on something called a “strike team.” Sometimes these are called SWAT teams or action teams or “that thing I’m obligated to send someone too, but which I don’t give a shit about, so I’ll send that guy.”
These teams are temporary gatherings of people from around the company brought together to solve a problem or improve a process and, as always, to make PowerPoints. I’m coming to suspect that that is indeed the purpose of all corporate existence, to produce PowerPoint presentations.
The particular strike team I’m on is made up of wonderful people with smart ideas and if the company would listen, it would hear answers.
But it is deaf. Any noise that might cause a change is ignored. Any suggestion that might cause a shift in thinking is politely declined. A whispered hint that we might need an alteration to the way things are done is greeted with gritted teeth and a, "Go fuck yourself.”
But here I am anyway, on the team tasked with making noises, suggestions, and whispers about change.
What to do when you are being paid to flog a dead horse?
Crack that whip. Crack it good.
These teams are temporary gatherings of people from around the company brought together to solve a problem or improve a process and, as always, to make PowerPoints. I’m coming to suspect that that is indeed the purpose of all corporate existence, to produce PowerPoint presentations.
The particular strike team I’m on is made up of wonderful people with smart ideas and if the company would listen, it would hear answers.
But it is deaf. Any noise that might cause a change is ignored. Any suggestion that might cause a shift in thinking is politely declined. A whispered hint that we might need an alteration to the way things are done is greeted with gritted teeth and a, "Go fuck yourself.”
But here I am anyway, on the team tasked with making noises, suggestions, and whispers about change.
What to do when you are being paid to flog a dead horse?
Crack that whip. Crack it good.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
We Are Not Mining Coal – Example #1
Warriors, even as we sometimes vent the steam from our spleens, when we struggle against the soul-rending frustration of corporate life, when we piss and moan and weep and gnash teeth about our lost years wasted in Cubeland, it is essential that we occasionally step back and acknowledge the we indeed are not mining coal. We are not picking lettuce. We are not digging ditches. We are not Hoovering port-a-potties or swimming through sewers prying loose blockages.
We are of the White Collar tribe. We go home as clean as when we left.
And sometimes, this life can bring moments of sublime pleasure.
One example is this…The Expense Account Dinner, a meal in a nice restaurant that costs about five times what you’d normally pay for a dinner out of your own pocket. Thank you Expense Account Gods, we appreciate the premium steak, the top notch Indian food, the Sushi that was still swimming about five minutes ago.
Even better, give thanks for the dinners spent with extravagant senior executives who like to live well, who are rich and like to eat even richer when the company is picking up the tab. I had no idea what a hundred-dollar bottle of wine tasted like until my first senior executive dinner.
True, I didn’t taste every dollar of that one hundred. But that didn’t stop me from saying, “Ooo, that really is good.”
Thank you, Expense Account Gods, for the bounty you’ve put before us on white table clothes, eaten with real silver, and served by attractive waitress who are also part time models.
We are of the White Collar tribe. We go home as clean as when we left.
And sometimes, this life can bring moments of sublime pleasure.
One example is this…The Expense Account Dinner, a meal in a nice restaurant that costs about five times what you’d normally pay for a dinner out of your own pocket. Thank you Expense Account Gods, we appreciate the premium steak, the top notch Indian food, the Sushi that was still swimming about five minutes ago.
Even better, give thanks for the dinners spent with extravagant senior executives who like to live well, who are rich and like to eat even richer when the company is picking up the tab. I had no idea what a hundred-dollar bottle of wine tasted like until my first senior executive dinner.
True, I didn’t taste every dollar of that one hundred. But that didn’t stop me from saying, “Ooo, that really is good.”
Thank you, Expense Account Gods, for the bounty you’ve put before us on white table clothes, eaten with real silver, and served by attractive waitress who are also part time models.
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